My Journey

I consider myself a light worker, healer, mystic, researcher, and truth seeker. I have long since dreamed of bringing this vision to life. A vision of a life and body abundant in good health, vitality, inner peace, harmony, joy, and wholeness. Not just for me, but for all of humanity. I have spent 15 years working in allopathic medicine, what we call the “healthcare” industry. I have worked in a variety of clinics and doctors’ offices as a phlebotomist and medical assistant. I also worked as an independent contractor drawing blood for clinical research, was a mobile medical examiner performing exams for life insurance screenings, and worked as a medical records analyst. Throughout the majority of my career, I can say that I truly loved my work. I've always been fascinated by (and very good at) the clinical aspect of medicine; collecting and processing specimens, assisting with biopsies and cauterization, removing sutures and staples, administering allergy injections, performing ear irrigation, and facilitating plasmapheresis. More than anything, what I loved most throughout my career was all the experiences I had with those whom I encountered along the way. Those whom I assisted, supported, worked alongside, and built relationships with. 

My most recent experience in allopathic medicine has by far been the most powerful and the most sacred. I worked as a field medical assistant in palliative and hospice care; with those who are chronically ill and those who are dying. I carry countless tales of patients who captivated me with their stories, patients who wept at my side, and expressed their gratitude for my words and my presence. Stories of terror, isolation, pain, suffering, and loss. Every patient that I visited, every home and facility that I entered was almost like stepping into another dimension, into someone else's reality. I'll never forget every radiant soul that I encountered and all of the lessons I learned, the gifts that were given, and the joy that was shared on that journey. What was most profound about those experiences was that they were taking place during a time when I was moving through a personal loss that mirrored what I was seeing every single day; my father was dying. Watching him slowly slip away was one of the most heart-wrenching inconceivable events of my life. Throughout this period of suffering, I felt immense gratitude for having had the opportunity to work with others who were navigating the same painful space. I felt incredibly supported by the universe; I was exactly where I needed to be. As much as I felt gratitude, and as much as that opportunity helped facilitate healing and comfort, there was a sacred rage brewing underneath the surface which continues to light the fire within me every single day. I knew there had to be a better way. A way of creating health, not just managing disease.

Towards the end of my career in allopathic medicine, I began to grow angry and helpless, and almost began to feel a sense of guilt for being a foot soldier in an industry that causes so much harm and doesn't facilitate healing. What I've learned and witnessed in this field is that everyone ignores the elephant in the room; what we eat, drink, and breathe, the thoughts we think, how we process or don’t process our emotions, what poisons we put into our bodies, and how we choose to live our lives. We ignore the root cause of illness. We go straight to the symptoms and “diagnosis” rather than looking to heal the terrain that these dysfunctions manifested in, so our bodies can achieve restoration and become functional again. I have witnessed and will testify to the blatant and abhorrent corruption, deceit, greed, and carelessness at the hands of many medical professionals. While many others, who are otherwise well-intended, are grossly misinformed, misled, and uneducated when it comes to nutrition and lifestyle. With that being said, traditional allopathic medicine does have its place. For instance, when there is a tragic accident and surgeons need to put us back together, or when someone is at the end of their life past the point of mitigation and they just need relief or need emergency intervention. However, for the general population, and when it comes to disease (Dis-Ease), the “healthcare” industry is failing us. It’s harming so many of us. I have numerous stories, including what my father endured, that involve my children, other members of my family, friends, acquaintances, and so many former patients who have suffered due to the pharmaceutical industry and Western medical complex. 

I feel that the most profound story that I could share, which I’m hoping will inspire those who are seeking to reclaim their power to heal themselves, is my own. This story is one of healing thyself against all odds. Against the advice of medical professionals, against the words of loved ones, and against statistical data. In August 2022, I found myself in the darkest reality that I never would have believed could or would exist. I had just freed myself from an incredibly toxic and emotionally abusive relationship and had been battling panic disorder for nearly two years. The panic had become so persistent, so severe, that I was not able to function any longer. I no longer felt safe in my body. I was afraid to be alone, and also afraid to be around most people, especially strangers. I was unable and afraid to drive at all due to having had so many panic attacks while driving. I had to take a three-month medical leave of absence from work as I could not perform my mobile responsibilities. I was afraid and unable to go grocery shopping on my own due to the severity and frequency of panic. I became completely agoraphobic, afraid of leaving my home, afraid that anything and anyone could be a trigger. 

During this time, I was also grieving my dying father while being swallowed by the ugly aftermath of an abusive relationship. Watching my father deteriorate while simultaneously facing relentless harassment by my former partner, whilst struggling to provide as a single mother with no child support amidst gross economic inflation, obliterated my nervous system. I had already spent the few years prior to my first panic attack in 2020 living in survival mode; post-divorce, grieving the separation from my children and the loss of my husband, drowning in poverty, living on continuous government assistance in a one-bedroom apartment/sharing a bed with my kids, relentlessly and obsessively calculating different ways to make money, and more that I won’t go into here. Additionally, I lost the little income I had in 2020 and then was forced to homeschool my children while trying to provide as the sole breadwinner. I also endured acute isolation and ostracization due to the worldwide chaos and division that was occurring. I later learned that panic disorder is a result of extreme and chronic stress which sensitizes the nervous system so it is always on alert for potential threats. Everything becomes dangerous, even your own body becomes an unsafe space. Panic disorder is a neurological event, injury, and consequence of severe trauma and persistent hardship. 

In August 2022, I arrived at a place of complete despair; I lost my will to live entirely. Every single day was terror. The most terrifying element of my panic episodes was the dissociation and derealization that I endured. It’s incredibly challenging to put that physiological response into words. It feels like an overflow or a flood of adrenaline that doesn’t subside, almost as if it pushes you out of your body until you feel unreal. Like you do not exist in this world, and all that you feel is the greatest fear you’ve ever felt. It is the most horrifying sensation that a human being can experience, this is what I have read in books on the subject and have researched throughout my healing journey. It is the fight or flight response but it is “broken”, so it doesn’t shut off. A faulty alarm system. During many of my episodes, my hands and limbs would go numb, lock up, and curl in towards my body. This sensation is largely due to acute hyperventilation - the act of breathing too quickly or breathing out too much carbon dioxide. Without carbon dioxide, the body restricts blood flow to the extremities, which for me resulted in agitation, dyspnea, dizziness, palpitations, tetanic cramps (carpopedal spasm), paresthesias, generalized weakness, and syncope. There was one experience where I had such a severe episode while lying on the bathroom floor, that I couldn't move at all for several minutes and was experiencing tetanic cramps throughout my entire body. I thought that I was dying, all that I could think about were my babies outside the bathroom door and what would happen to them. 

It was countless experiences like these that led me to a space where I thought about dying every single day, for weeks. I just wanted the terror to end; I wanted to be done. I wanted to feel normal again and I genuinely had lost all hope that my condition would ever go away. A mental health professional advised me to admit myself to the hospital stating that my symptoms were past the point of mitigation and she was genuinely concerned for my life. Before my self-admission to the hospital, I was becoming desperate for relief. I was considering, for the first time, taking a pharmaceutical drug. A local nurse practitioner offered genetic testing called GeneSight Psychotropic Testing. Its purpose is to make recommendations for psychotropic drugs based on your genetic makeup. These recommendations would favor certain drugs based on a ‘low-risk’ result of adverse reactions or “side effects” (what I call direct effects). Having completed this testing gave me some confidence when entering the hospital. I was terrified of pharmaceutical drugs; terrified of how they would harm my body, how they would make me feel, and how they would possibly exacerbate my condition.

While I was in the hospital I spoke with three different medical and mental health professionals concerning which prescription would be optimal for my condition. I received contrasting information and opinions, which was illuminating and instilled further distrust. The first night after taking my first dose of the recommended antidepressant, I felt a tingling and deadening sensation in my left shoulder and arm, I felt as though I couldn't breathe, my heart was racing and my suicidal ideation increased tenfold. As though the thoughts and visuals were on an automatic loop that was out of my control, all through the night and I did not sleep. That was the scariest night of my life and it still doesn’t feel real. Seeing yourself jump out of a window, over and over — inducing a feeling of psychosis — is something nobody should endure. When I got up from my bed to get help from the nurse’s station, I collapsed to the floor in the hallway. After the nurses brought me back to my room, checked my vitals, and gave me a sleeping med, I sensed a profound inner knowing while trying to sleep. A message was being delivered from within; an inner voice that said, “You are being poisoned. Get out”. In that moment I knew, what I always knew to be true and felt to be true, these drugs are not the solution. These people and this place is not helping me. The food was atrocious and heavily processed. Caffeine is a significant stimulant and they had coffee on tap for their psych patients, including their patients who had a severely injured nervous system. I couldn't help but see how backward and how ill-equipped that system is in regards to truly helping people. It was a sterile, empty, and energetically dense environment lacking the warmth of the earth and humanity.

After I was discharged from the hospital 4 days later, I started researching what medicinal herbs and supplements would help restore and restabilize my nervous system. I was told by medical professionals that I had a chemical imbalance, and that I would likely have to be on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds long-term, or for the rest of my life. However, I knew that my depression was just a symptom of my panic disorder, I also knew that my panic disorder was just a symptom of an injured nervous system. My injured nervous system, in addition to stress-inducing circumstances, was the root cause of my condition. I knew that if I worked to restore my nervous system and made certain changes to my lifestyle, knew that if I didn't just mask the symptoms temporarily with a drug, the ideation, depression, and panic would ultimately cease. I started taking multiple herbal supplements every day and in a matter of days, DAYS! I started to feel a dramatic shift. I began feeling profound healing and restoration from within that is impossible to convey with words, and cannot be written off as placebo. Not in my case with how dire my circumstances were and my injury was. It was nothing short of miraculous. I got to the root of my suffering. I trusted myself, and I took my power back. 

In addition to consuming medicinal herbs, I started eating more whole plant-based foods including more raw vegetables. I implemented intermittent fasting, cold exposure for parasympathetic regulation, and began practicing strength training. I increased my water intake and cut out caffeine and alcohol. I started getting adequate sleep, started doing more gratitude journaling, and practiced vagus nerve exercises, breath work, daily affirmations, and guided meditations. I became incredibly mindful and selective in regards to the media I consume, and who I choose to spend my time and exchange energy with. I continued to enrich myself with loving connections and social interaction regularly, which is of utmost importance. I became highly aware of my patterning in romantic relationships and gained the clarity I needed to enact lasting change; diving deep into my shadow work, recognizing my insecure attachment style and my low self-concept. My habit of codependency forced me to repeat certain experiences until I learned and integrated what I needed to. I forced myself to face my fears with frequent exposure therapy (i.e. being alone, driving, shopping, and social interactions), and each time I gained more confidence and became stronger in the face of my new (yet familiar) reality; I was safe in my body. 

In 2023, I started furthering my education and experimentation with medicinal herbs in addition to studying nutrition and phytotherapy through the lens of Functional Medicine. My studies and exploration of somatics started in 2024, along with a deep dive into quantum physics. The path that led me to The Medicine Basket was paramount for stepping into and owning the wisdom I’ve earned. Paramount for accepting the responsibility I have to guide those in need of guidance and to share what I’ve learned with the hope that others will know their strength, and see that they are the operant power in their lives. Thank you for holding space for my journey and for taking the time to read these words. Love and Light ∞